Saturday, September 1, 2012

What I'm Missing For My Birthday

My Grandma Fran has been on my mind a lot lately.

I remember talking to her and she would tell me about her problems, and somehow I'd always think of something funny to say. She would laugh with her beautiful sense of humor.

"Oh honey, you're so funny!" She would say, sometimes even snorting when she laughed.

Ultimately, that's what is on my heart.

This will be my first birthday without my Grandma Fran.

Time heals everything. All of the hard a difficult moments of struggle toward the end fade into the distance. The moments that shine, glisten and stand out are the wonderful parts of a remarkable woman.

There is a piece of her in everything around me. 

When I touch fabric, I always flash back to the childhood blanket she gave me or the curtains she made me. When my boyfriend rubs my back, I relax back into the eight year old that went to sleep with my Grandma wiping the worries away and she stayed with me until I slept.

And my birthdays. All 31 of them.

She always called. Always sang. Always sent me cards. Even on her deathbed last year, she wrote me a card with her shaky hand. It may have been the final thing she ever wrote.

What I'd really like to do for my birthday this year, is to go back in time to the day before she died.  When we sat outside with the cool breeze as she slept on my shoulder with my arm around her.

We didn't speak. She was too weak, but most importantly, sometimes love doesn't need words. It just needs to be lived.

"Thank you, Grandma. I love you."